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 Nhemz was actually pissed. He was mad at my blog. He said that it isn’t consistent. He said one moment he was egging me on for being so tough and being so out there the next minute he was disgusted at me for being such a doormat.

he was right. i’d be disgusted at myself either.

there is just something even a tough cookie like me couldn’t even stand to stomach — especially when the heart’s being tampered and she can actually tolerate it happening.

even the strongest willpower cannot stop the fingers from typing a message on the notepad and hit send. even the strongest willpower cannot stop the mouth from giving an invitation she knew won’t ever be accepted. even the strongest willpower cannot stop the heart from wanting something that cannot be hers.

the number was already deleted and believe it or not, it hasn’t been memorized.

control + alt + delete.

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A PROLOGUE TO PSEUDOIST

There may or may not be a significant reason why my thing with my beau is never going to work out.

Just because he doesn’t show any inclination of ever committing or ever vocalizing his feelings doesn’t mean that its going to be the end of the world. It happened that I also realized that the problem isn’t with him but it is also with me because I also cannot define my feelings and my commitment to ever engaging in a relationship again – after everything that I had gone through. 

The subject of my destiny as a couple with him is undefinable. I must first contemplate where I want the relationship to go. That is one big mistake women make — not knowing what their expectations are. They always want their guy to answer the question ‘Where is this going?’ without first answering it for themselves — it’s not fair to him and it doesn’t lead anywhere.

I thought about the connection I craved. Is it steady dating? Living together? An engagement? Then maybe that’s the time I will consider whether my romantic hopes are compatible with my other lifestyle goals. I might be busy working on my career (or whatever it is called) or I have planned on traveling before settling into a job, which would make it tricky to sustain a steady, solid union. Sometimes us women are so focused on getting a greater commitment from a guy, we never stop to think that maybe we aren’t ready also.

First, i wanted steady dating. I will not get in the way of my career because my work is not my career in the first place. And we have the perfect schedules. And I don’t have any plans yet on traveling. It is not tricky at all.

So maybe once I’ve checked in with myself, I might as well gauge my guy’s love state.

Notice: Does he include me in his future plans? Hmm.. well, he always makes future dated plans. “Hey, babe, next time let’s go to ***’s house and hang out.” or, “Let’s go watch that movie together.”

Have I met his family? I am always at their house his mom might as well adopt me.

Is he comfortable hanging out with me and his friends together? I did hang out one time with his friends but not the whole crowd of them. He never looked awkward and he even tells his friends that the reason he has been busy was because he was with me.

Are they all good indications that he won’t balk at The Talk? But if he’s never made a date with me beyond next Saturday or is secretive about how he spends his time when we’re apart, I’ll probably have an easier job parting the Red Sea.

Finally, I have to make sure the love level I long for is a realistic hop forward from our current status. Well, seeing each other won’t be a problem because I finally have days off that might coincide with his schedule but the thing is how we are going to work it out when he doesn’t make a conscious effort to show up!

I’ve given up on making plans with him. If he wants to see me, he has to make an effort to show up.

I hate men. If there is any progress, I will of course report on that.

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