The Keys To Your Heart

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you’re told that you’re loved. You’d like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy. You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance. Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future… one you can grow with. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You’ll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You’ll do anything for love, but you won’t fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

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green eyed bitch

I didn’t know jealousy could drive a person mad.
I didn’t know jealousy could make a sane person mad too.
I didn’t know jealousy could make a smart person stupid.

I can only count the number of times he has said yes whenever I invited him to come over because most of the time he’d always turn me down for reasons he thinks are valid. But if HE comes up with the invitation, I’d drop whatever it is that I have been doing and be right over so fast he just had the time to put his down after telling me so.

Tonight he just had an invitation from a friend (please note the word dripping with heavvy sarcasm) from his previous work. The conversation was soo stilted and sooooo tense I could cut it with a knife.

“Uy, you have a date?” I said.
“It’s hardly a date. There will be other people besides us.”
“It’s still a date because she invited you. The rest of the people are just a front or a background for her.”
“You do go out with men, too, so that means you go out on dates?”
“Its not like that because I go with different kinds of people. Unlike your invitation which is constant.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. It doesn’t matter.”
“Why are you mad? I was just asking.”
“I’m tired of talking about something when I know it doesn’t have any point at all in talking.”
“there is a point. I am trying to logicalize the situation. Women are somehow manipulative. I am trying to look at the motive of the invitation. Don’t worry I won’t ask anymore.”
“I said I don’t know. Whatever. I’m just too stressed.”
“Ok. Sleep then. You need it.”
“K. Good night. Take care.”

…and I didn’t text back. I was so upset. I remember him saying before that he liked having no girlfriend at this time because he wanted to explore and having one means he’d sticking to one person all his life. He is in his early 30′s for heaven’s sake. He must have gone past that stage, hasn’t he? Men really take that long to mature and get past his being a bachelor.

Oh, why did I have to be such a woman? Why did I have to ASK and PROD and PRY and BE A WOMAN a man doesn’t want to be with? Even though I know he’d be irritated, I just can’t seem to stop myself. Although the whole approach was logical, it still sounded accusatory. I hate to be that woman. I don’t even want to go out with myself if I’m like that. I hate entirely what my feelings for him are doing to my behavior and the ideals that I always stick up with.

Was he upset? Clearly, he sounded annoyed. I hated myself for asking THE questions but I can’t help it. I AM A WOMAN. Women always HAVE questions even if it means just asking for the time. The questions will forever keep on popping unless someone has the balls to answer them – or ask them in the first place.

If only men would be vocal about their feelings, then the world would probably have less problems. I am not saying that men make up ninety percent of the world’s problems but if only, ok, let’s be fair, if only, people would be so vocal about their problems – oh, yeah, and think about world peace right now, this minute, this instant – then, the war in Iraq wouldn’t have happened – nobody would be fighting right now and the world will be full of flowers and rainbows. That always happens after a rain and spring would bloom.

Its not good to be feeling bad about this. It’s not worth it. Why did I ever stick with him in the first place? Anyone reading this right now must have wanted to bonk me in the head for thinking with my vagina.

O just told me that before I lose my self-worth, I should stop seeing him or I should stop letting him torment me like that. There are a lot of guys worthy of my attention and he liked the guys that I’m seeing because they’re hot. And he wants me to hook up with John Hall whom he happened to see outside Chowabunga, eTelecare building having lunch with a fugly girl.

I am just upset. He did say that he was happy that he doesn’t have a girlfriend yet because he isn’t ready to stick to one person because he feels limited. That is a clear manifestation of a person who doesn’t want anything to do with me seriously. That is so sad. He prolly has no idea that I’m obsessing about this. Well, that’s always how its been — men, having no clue about it while the women are already on the verge of jumping over the cliff because of a missed call.

So, I am finally decided to break up with him. Pseudo-breakup to be exact.

I’m going to cry tonight. I just wanna mourn. It just so happened that I was wearing a black low cut shirt, black capris, my black beaded sandals, black bangles, and a black Cartier watch. Who died and made me Morticia Addams in capris? And to think i curled my hair tonight, I would have loved to dress up.

I have to go. This is upsetting.

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THE BEST PLANS are UNPLANNED.

I am working and I am in my station.

Its freezing cold in here.

What’s on my station are my native bag from somewhere, my compact, my blue crystal comb, my Starbucks planner, and my dog pen – and no, they cannot save my life from frostbite. I am trying to come up with plans for the next few weeks and I have been staring at the same page for almost an hour now. The reason why I am never good with planners because I hardly plan at all.

High school was the stage where colorful organizers were so trendy you are so out of it if you don’t have at least a furry cover that has dates on them or a pastel colored binder. But I loved my organizer because it was full of life! I dressed it up with so many stickers, pictures, posts it and colored notes on it it was so thick it was bulging out from my bag every time I took it out. Think scrapbook. I placed it on my school desk one time and my professor, Mr. Larry Mariano thought it was probably an eye sore to have something that thick in front of him that he went,

“Miss R**, what is that?”

“My organizer, sir.”

“Can I see it?” he extended his hand so i can give it to him and i was almost freaking out because there were a lot of sex, fuck, and everything else that might trigger a heart attack from a 50 year-old teacher written there. He did so much as glance at it when he gave it back right away. He faced the class and said,

“Everybody, you have just witnessed something that shouldn’t be done to your organizer. Disorganize it.”

– Haha to him. That planner is already close to a diary because I don’t record future plans but the things that happened the day before. I just don’t see the logic of writing something that has to be done but clearly wasn’t completed by the time the day ended. People keep on changing their minds. People just put off a lot of things which is why is a waste of ink if I write something down when I know for certain that there is a fifty percent chance that its never going to happen. It’s not about spontaneity or living life at the moment. It is about me not having a direction at all and boy, it feels liberating to say that out loud. Hmm.

I write reminders – not plans. I write on this Expedia.com post it the list of things that I need to BUY or DO. But it doesn’t resemble a planner at all because they are just scroll-downs. Maybe I should go work on that. Maybe its time I decide to plan. Shoot.

Drama heavy enough to the Bold and The Beautiful.

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